English on the Internet - Fun

Have Fun 9

"This new hearing-aid I've got is so small that nobody notices it. It's wonderful."
"That's great. How much did it cost?"
"Half past two."

Vicar: "You must not fight, little boy. You should love your enemy."
Boy: "But he's not my enemy. He's my brother."

"Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie."
So what, Sir, you don't get dog in a dog biscuit."

It was two o'clock in the morning when Fred phoned Joe. The phone rang for hours before it was picked up and Joe's sleepy voice said, "Hello?"
"Sorry to get you out of bed at this time of night," said Fred.
"That's all right," said Joe, "I had to get up anyway to answer the phone."

"Mum, now that I'm fifteen, can I wear eye-shadow and lipstick and mascara and perfume and wear high-heeled shoes?"
"No, Charles, you may not."

Then there was the Irishman whose sister had a baby.
Nobody told him if it was a boy or a girl so he didn't know if he was an uncle or an aunt.

Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with '"I", Nicholas."
Nicholas: "Yes, Sir. "I" is -"
Teacher: "No, no, Nicholas! You don't say "I is", you say "I am"."
Nicholas: "All right, Sir. I am the night letter of the alphabet."

"I'd like some crocodile shoes, please."
"Certainly, madam, what size are your crocodiles?"

Tommy's father rushed out of the bathroom waving his shaving brush. "This thing's useless!" he complained.
"I can't shave with it."
"That's funny," said Tommy. "It was fine this morning when I washed my bike with it."

A newspaper reporter, interviewing a man who had his 99th birthday, said: "I certainly hope I can return next year and help you to celebrate your 100th birthday."
"Can't see why not, young fellow," the old-timer replied. "You look healthy enough to me!"

Brother: "Why are you so clever?"
Sister: "I take clever pills."
Brother: "Let me have some, then."
Sister: "Take two of these."
Brother: "These aren't pills - they're just sweets."
Sister: " See! They're working already."

What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hello, honey."

"Don't you enjoy the sound of church bells?"
"I said don't you like the bells?"
"It's no good - I can't hear a word you're saying for those damned bells!"

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