English on the Internet - Fun

Have Fun 3


There are many types of if-clauses and most tenses are possible. We'll show you three:


If + simple present, will or can (may, might) is used to talk about future events and situations that you think are probable.
Example: If it rains this afternoon, I'll get soaked. (You think it will probably rain.)


If + simple pas, would or could or might is used to talk about future events and situations that you think are not very probable.
Example: If it rained this afternoon, I would (I'd) get wet. (You think it's unlikely to rain.)


If + past perfect, would have or could have or might have is used to talk about past events and situations which did not happen.
Example: If it had rained last week, I would (I'd) have got soaking wet. (You know it did not rain.)






A doctor advised a very fat man to take up golf for exercise.
"That's no good for me," said the patient, "I've tried it before. If I put the ball where I can hit it I can't see it, and if I put it where I can see it I can't hit it!"

Teacher: "Now, Harrison, if your father borrows £10 from me and pays me back £1 a month, at the end of six months how much will he owe me?"
Harrison: "£10, Sir."
Teacher: " I'm afraid you don't know much about arithmetic, Harrison."
Harrison: " I'm afraid you don't know much about my father, Sir."

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach.
"Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it"
Shortly afterwards Dad came in from his office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."

"Julia, this report is most disappointing. I promised you a bicycle if you passed your exams. What have you been doing with yourself?"
"Learning to ride a bike."

Why is an elephant large, grey, hairy and wrinkled?
Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin.

Teacher: "If I take a potato and divide it into two equal parts, and divide it again into four equal parts, what would I have?" Student: "Chips?"
Teacher: "Archie, if you were in sailing boat a mile from the harbour mouth and a storm blew up, what would you do?"
Archie: "Throw the anchor out, Sir."
Teacher: "And supposing another storm blew up then what would you do?"
Archie: "Throw another anchor, Sir."
Teacher: "...er...I see. And supposing yet another storm blew up?"
Archie: "I'd throw out another anchor, Sir."
Teacher: "Just a minute - where you are getting all these anchors from?"
Archie: "The same place you're getting all the storms from, Sir."

Passenger: "Does this bus stop at the river?"
Conductor: "If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash."

Teacher: "You can't sleep in class."
Girl: "No, but if you didn't talk so loudly I could."

Why do doctors and nurses wear masks?
So that if someone makes a mistake, no one will know who did it!

Robbie: "I've got a problem, Dad. My teacher said I must write more clearly."
Dad: "Well, that's all right, son. I'm sure you can do it if you try."
Robbie: "Yes, but if I write more clearly, she'll find out I can't spell."

"If you're going to work here, young man," said the boss, " one thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"
"oh, yes, Sir."
"And another thing we are very keen on is truthfulness: There is no mat."

Mother hen was very angry with her children for being naughty.
"You bad children," she said, "if your father could hear you he'd turn over in his gravy."

Teacher: "If I had fifty apples in one hand and sixty in the other, what would I have?"
Pupil: "Extremely big hands, Miss!"

A man walked into a police station and put a dead rat on the counter. "Somebody threw this in my front window," he complained.
"Right, sir," said the police sergeant, "if you come back in six months and no one's claimed it you can keep it."

Teacher: "Angie, if your father earned £500 a week and gave your mother half, what would she have?" Angie: "A heart attack."

"This parrot is very clever. If you pull his right leg he sings, and if you pull his left leg, he whistles."
"And what happens if you pull both legs?"
"I fall off my perch," said the parrot.

Kathleen, a young Irish lass, fell in love with Simon, a good Protestant boy. Her father told Simon that if they wanted to marry, then the lad would have to become a Catholic.
For a year he studied very hard and learnt all he could about Catholicism and every Sunday he went to church.
Then one day Kathleen tearfully went to her father and told him that Simon wasn't going to marry her.
"Why not?" asked her father "He was getting on well with our religion."
"That's the problem," she cried, "Simon decided to become a priest!"
Two birds were sitting on a tree not far from an airport. Suddenly a jet plane roared the sky close them.
"Gosh, look at that!" said one.
"I bet you'd go fast if your tail was on fire," said the other.

Why do footballers wear shorts?
Because they would be arrested if they didn't.

Army recruit: "What happens if this parachute fails to open?" Army instructor: "Bring it back and we'll give you another."
A couple's happy married life was nearly ruined by old Aunt Tabitha. For ten years she lived with them, and she was always extremely nasty and made life unbearable for them. Eventually she died.
On the way back from the funeral, the husband said to his wife: "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with having your Aunt Tabitha living with us all those years"
"My Aunt Tabitha?" cried his wife. "I always thought she was your Aunt Tabitha!"

© September 1999 English on the Internet www.aj.cz