English on the Internet - Fun

Have Fun 14

Fortune teller
Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to see what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.
The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her, so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days before you do, your majesty."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake, and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."

A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."

Doctor and lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked they were constantly interupted by people describing their health problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.
After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for advice outside the office again."
The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.
The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman pushed a letter through his letterbox.
The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.

Best worker
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the other, "Have you heard the news?
The Managing Director of the company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers', and I want to know who it was."

While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay, then tell my husband how you did it."

© June 2001 English on the Internet www.aj.cz