English on the Internet - Fun

Have Fun 13

A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it.
Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit.
The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet for her for up to four weeks.
Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?"
The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"

An old lady had bought a new carpet and the carpet fitter was fitting it for her. Once he had fitted it he went outside to have a cigarette, but he couldn't find his packet of cigarettes.
He looked in all his pockets and in his van, but he just couldn't find them. So, he went back into the room where he had fitted the carpet to see if he had dropped the packet in there.
As he entered the room he noticed a small lump under the carpet in the middle of the room.
He decided to flatten the lump rather than undo all his work, so he took a hammer and banged the lump until it was flat.
As he was putting his tools away the old lady walked into the room. She was holding a packet of cigarettes.
She said, "I found these in the hallway. You must have dropped them."
"Now, I just need to find my budgie."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"

Good news, bad news
The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had showers or been able to change their clothes.
Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some good news and some bad news.
Which would you like first?"
All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."
The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're going to change our underwear."
All the men cheered.
Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "

In the classroom
A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning with 'I', please."
Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."
The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."
Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."
The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."
Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank.
He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other side of the river already."

© June 2001 English on the Internet www.aj.cz