English on the Internet - Fun

Have Fun 10

"Margaret, you mustn't use "a" before a plural - You say "a" horse, not "a" horses."
"But, Miss, the vicar's always saying "a-men"."

The family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when the farther called over the waiter.
"Yes, Sir?" said the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate," explained the farther. "Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"
"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy. "Have we got a dog then?"

As a large, impressive funeral was passing, a man on the pavement watching it go by asked a small boy, "Who's died?"
"Chap in the coffin," said the boy.

Drowning man: "Help, I can't swim!"
Passer-by: "So what? I can't play the piano, but I don't shout about it."

Poor old Steve sent his photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club.
They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely…

"My wife's an angel."
"Really? Mine's still alive."

Why do bulldogs have flat faces?
From chasing parked cars.

I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian."
"That's right!"

"Before I can accept a cheque, Madam," said the shop assistant, "you have to identify yourself."
"Very well," said the customer, taking a mirror from her handbag and peering into it. "Yes, it's me"
Little Johnny was playing in the garden and looking angrily into the sunlight with half-shut eyes.
His mother came out and said, "Why don't you move out of the sun?"
"Why should I?" answered Johnny. "I was here first!"

"My brother's been practicing the violin for ten years."
"Is he any good?"
"No. It was nine years before he found out he wasn't supposed to blow it."

A visitor to Ireland asked a farm labourer for the time.
"Sure, it's twelve o'clock, your honour," answered the Irishman.
"Only twelve?" asked the traveller doubtfully.
"I thought it was much later than that."
"Oh, no, Sir, it never gets later than that in these parts."
"How's that?"
"Well, Sir, after twelve o'clock it goes back to one."

Patient to doctor: "I've just swallowed a sheep and I'm feeling very ba-a-a-a-ad."

An Irish newspaper once printed the following notice on its front page:
"Today we present our prize crossword, first prize 1,000. But those of you who want to do it just for fun and don't wnat to wait until next week for the answers, can find the solutions on the back page."

© November 2000 English on the Internet www.aj.cz