English on the Internet - Fun

Have Fun 1

Just jokes

In this opening section you will find favourite jokes which we think are particularly funny, silly or foolish. As they are meant for "warming up", they are easy to understand and don't illustrate any particular grammar problem.






Teacher: "What is the climate of New Zealand?"
Jimmy: "Very cold, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong."
Jimmy: "But, Sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen."

Sarah: "Let's play school!"
Kelly: "O.K. But let's play I'm absent."

"I say, waiter, this soup tastes funny!"
"So why don't you laugh?"

"I don't want you using those bad words any more."
"But, Mother, Shakespeare uses then."
"Well, don't play with him again."

Patient: "Doctor, my family thinks I'm mad."
Doctor: "Why?"
Patient: "Because I like sausages."
Doctor: "Nonsense, I like sausages too."
Patient: "You do? You must come round and see my collection. I have hundreds."

sausage [sosidž] klobása, jitrnice

Angry teacher: "Why are you so late?"
Lazy pupil: "Well, I saw the sign in the street that said "School ahead – go slow"!"

sign [sain] značka

"Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven" said the teacher.
Everyone put their hands up except Jimmy.
"Don't you want to go to Heaven, Jimmy?"
"I can't Miss," said Jimmy. "My mum told me to come straight home."

"Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup."
"Yes, sir, it's the heat that kills them."

A man was buying a Rolls-Royce and wanted to pay in cash, but he found he was 2p short of the 15,000 needed. Outside the car showrooms he saw a man selling newspapers, and he went out and asked him:
"Could you lend me 2p? I want to buy a Rolls-Royce."
"Sure," replied the man. "But look – here's 4p. Buy one for me as well."

© September 1999 English on the Internet www.aj.cz