Have Fun 5
Some and AnyIn your grammar book some and any are probably called quantifiers or determiners. Some and any are used with uncountable (milk) and plural nouns (scissors).
Policeman: "That's correct, Madam. Why?"
Woman: "My husband disappeared last week and I haven't seen him since. I wondered if it could be him."
Policeman: "Can you tell me anything about your husband which might help us identify the body?"
Woman: "Yes, he's cross-eyed and has a Scottish accent."
A man was spreading elephant poison all over the road when a policeman came along and said. "What are you doing?"
"Spreading elephant poison to get rid of the elephants," said the man.
"But there aren't any elephants around here," pointed out the policeman.
"I know," said the man. "It's working well, isn't it?"
"Can anyone in the class complete the phrase - "Old Mac-Donald had a ...?""
"Please, Miss - a hamburger restaurant!"
A man had stopped his car at a set of traffic lights in Dublin. The lights kept changing ... red ... yellow ... green ...
Finally a policeman came up to him and leant into the car.
"What's the matter, Sir?" he asked. "Haven't we got any colours you like?"
During school dinner, the teacher asked:
"Yes," said David. The peas are as hard as rocks.
The teacher reached over with his fork and picked up some peas from David's plate.
"They seem soft enough to me," he said, tasting them.
"Well, they ought to be," said David. "I've been chewing them for the last ten minutes"
Teacher: "Now, Benny, what did your father say about your school report?"
Benny: "Shall I leave out the swear words?"
Teacher: "Of course!"
Benny: "Well, then he didn't say anything."
Mother: "Eat up your porridge and you'll grow up to be a pretty girl."
Daughter: "Didn't you eat any porridge when you were little then?"
Two little girls were watching the birds eating food at a bird table.
One of them asked: "I wonder what they eat when they can't find food on the bird table?"
"They eat what they can find," replied the other one.
"What happens when they can't find anything?"
"Then they eat something else."
"Any luck with your advertisement for a husband?"
"Yes, I've had sixteen replies. And they all say the same thing."
"You can have mine!"
Snake-charmer: "Be careful with that suitcase, porter. It contains a ten-foot snake."
Porter: "You can't kid me - snakes don't have any feet."
Mum: "Do you want any help with your maths homework?"
Daughter: "No, thanks - I can get it wrong on my own."
"I tried this new onion diet I read about - onion for breakfast, onion for lunch, onion for dinner."
"Did you loose any weight?"
"No, but I lost a lot of friends?"
Worried lady to pilot: "You will bring me down safely, won't you?"
Pilot: "Don't worry, Madam, I've never left anybody up here yet."
"There's something I can do that nobody else in my school can do. Not even the teachers!"
"Read my handwriting!"
Teacher: "Smith, you should have been in class at nine o'clock!"
Smith: "Why, did I miss anything good?"